CRISIS

The mid-twenties crisis is a real thing and I am living it.

Once upon a time I was a cool, often inebriated, young thing, that partied all night and ate pizza all day. I had bleached blonde hair and wore crazy clothes. I sang in strip clubs for money, drank 4 bottles of Cava and rolled home in a taxi covered in glitter and McDonalds grease. I slept all day like a starfish in my house-share in Walthamstow, did every waitressing job possible to pay the bills and stripped off my clothes at every lock-in while fellow drunks proclaimed me hilarious and fun.

That girl is no more.

What is it about reaching your mid-twenties and completely reassessing your entire life structure? I’ve felt it coming. I slowly went through every hair colour imaginable coupled with drinking in every swanky cocktail bar I could find. I started feeling more shy and reserved, spending money on furniture and craving nights in with a cheesecake and a single fork. 

Eventually I have ended up here. Staring at myself in the mirror like I’m a giant question mark.

Nowadays I have brown hair and I wear a lot more jeans. I make green smoothies for breakfast and my google history reveals things like ‘the benefits of quitting drinking’ and ‘how to become a buddhist’.

I realize that both the bleached blonde and jean-wearing-brunette scenarios sound completely bonkers and like an idea for a Bridget-Jones-meets-Girls sitcom but I think I’m onto something. And I’m not alone. I only had to mention to the other girls at work that I couldn’t really drink anymore without turning into a suicidal snap-dragon and everybody my age completely agreed. The girls over thirty looked at me with a knowing smile. They knew. They’d been through all of this and come out the other side realizing that there’s more to life than trying to find out what will happen if you finish an entire bottle of tequila. But how do we get to that comfortable 30-year-old place? How many more embarrassing nights out, hair colours, fitness routines, religions and sparkly Asos mini-dresses do I need to get through before I become a well-rounded, stable individual who doesn’t overthink every waking moment of the day?

I think the problem is this: I am an adult now. I have a proper job and a house and a fiancé and I often feel broody and think about which shade of beige will look nice in the en suite. But by letting go of my past wildness I feel like I am losing a part of myself and like I never really knew who I was in the first place. Was I always just playing a role? Am I now just playing a new role? Who the HELL am I anyway?

How do we get back to ourselves? How do we pursue true happiness? Answers on a postcard, please.

Personally, despite the fear I have about change and the fact that sometimes when people I ask me a question I feel like I no longer have the skills to answer truthfully because I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL, I know I am on the right path. I am forever trying new things to explore who this new me should be. And instead of moving through it with obsessive fear I should try to enjoy these new discoveries about myself. I enjoy learning, so why not make myself the new project of ambition?

I have given up social media to see what that was like.

I have died my hair back to my natural colour to see how that makes me feel.

I have stopped drinking and challenged myself to a big night out with only hilarious sober jokes with which to entertain.

I have searched for solo trips to India to spend two weeks doing nothing but meditating.

I have written a list of all the places in the world I suddenly want to go.

I have looked at maternity clothes online even though I’m not even thinking of getting pregnant.

I have planned out my whole life one day and then scrapped it and made an entirely new plan the next.

I’ve looked at masters degrees, new careers, volunteering, borrow my doggy, life drawing classes, tree-houses in the woods, piano lessons and becoming a vegan.

I think the point I am trying to make is that this mid-twenties crisis is actually a real thing and you are not alone. And that instead of putting pressure on yourself and questioning your every motive just go forth and learn. You are suddenly realizing what a big, huge, enormous world this is and how much possibility there lies within it. You are not this ‘thing’ that you labeled years ago with a fashion or a personality. You are you and you are ever changing. Ever evolving and learning and growing. And how exciting is that?!

Turn that frown upside down and jump in. Then tell yourself it’s ok to go home, stick on your PJs and have a nice cup of tea.